Collected in The Independent, July 13, 2013
Edited by Andy Ross
A layman, a scientist, and a
mathematician are driving through Wales when they spot a black sheep.
Layman: "The sheep in Wales are black." Scientist: "There is one sheep in
Wales which is black." Mathematician: "There is one sheep in Wales, one side
of which is black."
How does a mathematician determine the shortest
fence to include a herd of cattle? He draws a fence around his feet and
declares "I'm outside the fence".
What do you get if you cross a
zebra with a banana? Zebra banana sine theta.
Why did the inverse
function cross the road? To get to the same side.
What is the longest
song in the world? Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
Banach and Alfred Tarski go into a pub. They order one half between them and
get two pints (the barman believed in the axiom of choice). "That'll be £5",
says the barman. They give him 1p and he puts £5 in the till.
a good anagram of "Banach-Tarski"? "Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski".
What did the proton say to the
ever-grumpy electron? "Why do you have to be so negative all the time?"
Two atoms are walking down the street. One atom says to the other: "Hey!
I think I lost an electron!" The other says: "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"
Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed? Because when
they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the
momentum, they can't find the position.
A woman comes home to find
her string theorist husband in bed with another woman. "But honey," he says,
"I can explain everything!"
Why didn't the quantum particle cross the
road? He was already on both sides.
Schrödinger's cat walks into a
bar. And it doesn't.
A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest
says, "Get out, you blasphemer. How dare you call yourself the God
particle?" The Higgs boson replies: "But I make up the mass."
Two behaviorists meet in the
street. One says to the other: "You're OK. How am I?"
said to the sadist "hit me" and the sadist said "no".
What did the
nihilist Borg say? "Existence is futile."
Why is it so difficult to
explain bad puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things so
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light
bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Descartes walks into a bar.
"Beer?" asks the barman. "I think not" replies Rene, who disappears.
Why do Marx and Engels drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What's the difference between an etymologist, and an entomologist? An
etymologist knows the difference.
How many Microsoft designers does
it take to change a lightbulb? None: they just define darkness as industry
1 It is amazing how fast news of a
round of redundancies spreads. It's like this tidal wave of panic washes
across a trading floor.
2 It's tough to take, obviously. You
had to go while your colleague is still at his desk. Because he was better.
3 As long as you're good nothing bad
can happen to you, and since nothing bad has happened to me, it must mean I
am good and therefore safe.
4 I get paid a lot because I can do
things, but if I had been born mentally handicapped I wouldn't. That's life.
5 Bankers are so smart, yet they get
this thing wrong. They spend their lives in an office when the only truly
valuable thing in life is time.
6 The real threat is not a bank's
management hiding things from us, it's the management not knowing themselves
what the risks are.
7 Investment banking is a trap, a
game and an addiction. The reward is big but uncertain, which makes it
exciting and keeps you coming back for more.
8 You want me to estimate a starting
teacher's salary? I don't know ... Wow, it's really only £22,000? I had no
9 My department's potential losses
were hundreds of millions of pounds and several billions across the whole of
the bank. We began to realize this could sink the bank.
10 We sell reliability, solidity and caution. We
want our presentation to mirror that. And we often charge hefty fees, so we
don't flash our wealth.